I know we often refer to our baby girl as a “miracle baby”, but I
don’t know if I’ve ever elaborated on that. A lot of people are aware of
the circumstances that make her so, but I thought I’d share for those
who don’t. It’s hard to even know where to start, so bear with me if
this is a little long winded.
I’ve always wanted a
daughter. Very shortly after Jason and I decided we were ready for a
family, we conceived and we were both sure it would be a girl. When we
found out that it was a boy, we were shocked, but excited.I couldn’t
have imagined how much fun it’s been being a mom of a boy. I feel so
very blessed to have my little man in my life and I'd never trade him for a girl!
Since we
had no issues in getting pregnant with Juju, we assumed everything was
working well and that more children would be right along. When Julian
was about two, we felt like it was time for that to happen. Again we
conceived fairly quickly and waited a few weeks to tell people we were
expecting. We made the announcement and began to plan for baby number
two. A few days shy of our second trimester, I miscarried. So began two
and a half years of the cycle of hope, loss, and grieving.
We
tried to figure out what was going wrong. Since we had no problem
getting pregnant, many of the resources and tests that go with
infertility did not apply to us. We ruled out most of the common causes
for miscarriage and tried different things with each pregnancy. Since
the miscarriages were not in the first few weeks of pregnancy, there was
tissue available to test. We had samples from the pregnancies sent off
to USF’s genetic research division to see if they could identify the
issue.
I vividly remember the morning the geneticist
called me. I was sitting at the computer, working on eBay listings, when
the phone rang. It was explained to me that all the samples ended up
being females with Trisomy 10. They concluded that the disorder was tied
to the female DNA that either Jason or I was passing on. I was told
that we could not successfully carry and have a girl baby and that with
my age and all the pregnancies over the last few years being female,
we’d be lucky to have another child at all. I remember trying to hold it
together on the phone. As soon as I hung up with them, I Googled
Trisomy 10 and cried while I read. It shares a lot of the
characteristics of Downs Syndrome- only it’s not “compatible with life”
so 100% of the babies with it die in utero.
I mourned
the little girls I’d lost and the loss of any future daughters. I’d
already prayed everything I knew to before we got the news so I took
that as my answer and didn’t ask God to intervene. I didn’t know if I
could bear more loss in pursuit of a successful boy baby pregnancy. I
started looking at adoption, considering if Julian should be an only
child, and just praying for direction. I began to take steps towards
adoption because I had this feeling that our family was not complete,
but stuff never seemed to line up right. In time, I came to peace with
things as they were and I found faith that God would lead us to whatever
was to meant for our family.
My grandmother passed
away Christmastime, December of 2011.The day after her passing, I
miscarried again, at 8 weeks along. We knew one of my grandfathers was
not going to be far behind. I was too heartbroken to deal with more lost
pregnancies and to be a good mom to 4 year old Juju, so we decided it
would be best to try to not get pregnant again for awhile. I did end up
losing both of my grandfathers that year.
We had a busy
fall. I’d thrown myself into volunteering and being involved in my Etsy
community. I felt very off, but I assumed it was just part of the
grieving process plus my busyness plus Julian starting pre-k plus just a
lot of changes going on. I was shocked to discover we were pregnant
again. We’d been pretty careful to prevent such a thing, but as my dear
husband likes to say, “Life finds a way.” I was with some of our dearest
friends when I found out and the first thing we did was pray. I
expected the worst, but the similarities to my pregnancy with Julian
gave me a little hope. I was already almost 9 weeks along- my pregnancy
with Julian had also caught me off guard. I was never ill (beyond being
tired & my gestational diabetes) with Juju and this pregnancy was
the same. With the lost pregnancies, I always felt very sick and knew
very early on I was pregnant.
Despite a beautifully
strong heartbeat, Jason and I couldn’t let ourselves get too excited. We
were referred to a practice that dealt exclusively with high risk
pregnancies so at least we knew we were in good hands. When we cleared
the second trimester mark and made it to twenty weeks, I assumed it must
be a boy baby. I really wanted to confirm that so we could celebrate a
little and not worry so much. (I can’t tell you how nerve wracking it is
to search your toilet paper for signs of blood every single time
you use the restroom!) When the technician cheerfully announced that it
looked like a girl, Jason and I both incredulously told her to look
again. She did so, and after consulting my chart, one of the doctors
even had a look and confirmed it.
My emotions went
from unbelievable happiness to fear to gratefulness and even to sadness.
The next visit, I saw my regular OB. He also works with several study
groups at USF and is one of the countries top doctors in researching new
treatments for gestational diabetes. He had our genetic testing results
and reviewed them again after the baby’s gender was identified. He told
me that, on paper, this pregnancy shouldn’t be happening.
We
were asked to have a lot of tests done, but I knew that no matter what
ending the pregnancy was not an option. We decided to just wait and
watch and if something looked wrong, we’d monitor it so we’d at least be
prepared for whatever conditions our baby might be born with.
Appointment after appointment, the baby looked perfectly normal. Her
heartbeat was strong and her measurements were as they should be. My
health was terrible, but she was thriving. Because it was a high risk
pregnancy, I had ultrasounds about every other week of the third
trimester. Every time I got to see baby girl felt like a little victory.
Jane
Marie was born on May 12, 2013. Jane means “God is gracious”. She had
some blood sugar issues, but otherwise was completely healthy. She
continues to develop normally and there’s no reason to believe she won’t
continue to do so.
I don’t use the word “miracle”
lightly. I believe in miracles, but never thought they were something
that someone like me would ever experience in person. I do think it
applies to our situation though. The fact is our genetic code is broken.
That was evident not just in one sample, but every single one. I
believe God miraculously corrected that defect in Jane. It wasn’t
because we deserved it or asked Him to- I’d written it off as not
possible and moved on. Why He chose to intervene isn’t something I can
readily identify. I do know that I am changed for the better after
having gone through the struggles. I think my marriage is stronger. I
also know that just about every time I look at Jane, I feel like I could
burst with gratitude. Through her birth, God restored my broken heart
and has given my entire community a reminder that He still does great
things.
One of the happiest days of my life
Miss Jane, 11 weeks
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
