Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Consistency

I have got to get some consistency going with this blog... It's just life right now is nuts. Take this morning for example. I thought I was going to MOPS and had been planning to do so for the last month. Instead I ended up looking at duplexes for sale. (No, I'm not the buyer.) I've got a list of things to do today; blogging was not on it, but here I am! I think I need to establish what I want to make regular features and not be afraid to schedule stuff ahead. There are days where I get too busy to get on my computer and my phone isn't good for more than checking things. I think Fridays work best for weigh ins and reporting on my whole health revamping.

And it just so happens to be Friday!  I can't say I've done amazing this week, but I haven't blown it either. Of course, more exercise, less carbs, no late night snacking is always on the list of things to improve on. I am still tracking on Livestrong fairly consistently. I'm pleased to have reconnected with a couple people on there who were of great encouragement to me a few years ago and also to have made a couple new friends. 

I really have more I want to blog about, but I just don't think this is the forum for it. Despite so many wonderful things going on, I feel myself sinking into despair over other things. I feel very alone, which I suppose is good for the prayer life, but bad on the heart. And then I feel guilty over feeling anything but pure happiness that I get to spend my days with this little sweetie.

She was flapping her arms which doesn't ever translate well on the phone camera!

Fatty Fat Fat

Where to start... about 6 months after I had Julian, I revamped things. I was working out daily and doing yoga, body sculpting, step class, zumba, running, etc. I was eating well and had my thyroid medication pretty balanced. I lost about 40 lbs. It was great. I felt good and was even doing 5k runs (big deal for this top heavy, heat sensitive, asthmatic!). 

It's not hard to trace where I fell off the wagon. Enter miscarriage one, two, three, four... I stopped all exercise but walking out of fear that it might be contributing to the issue. I was on and off my thyroid meds with each pregnancy. I felt depressed and couldn't even get my head to a place where I could prepare ahead and plan healthy food choices. The weight crept back on. 

When I did have a successful pregnancy with our baby Jane, it was far from an easy one. I had gestational diabetes that was just out of control no matter what diet they put me on. I couldn't gain weight so that was a concern too. I had to eat all the time and stuff that I felt I had no choice in. There wasn't a single craving that I was able to fulfill. It was awful.

So now Jane is here and the diabetes is gone. I'm not even in the pre-diabetic range. And I'm making up for all the things I couldn't have during my pregnancy! This is not a good thing, but I've allowed it because I am breastfeeding. I like to use that as an excuse. My gym scholarship is active so I have no reason why I haven't been as active there. It's just been hard to get myself together and actually go.

I did lose all my pregnancy weight in the 8 weeks after Jane was born. I hadn't been able to gain that much anyway so what I did gain came off easily. However, this morning I weighed at the gym and I've gained back a couple of the pounds I'd lost. That was a wake up call. Apparently I can't eat pizza every weekend and lose weight. =p 

So now what? One of the things that really helped me before is tracking my food and exercise. It forces me to come face to face with the calories in what I eat. I need that. It also provides some accountability. I've reactivated my Daily Plate account on Livestrong. I'm not waiting until Monday to start, so, starting tomorrow, I will be posting on there. If you'd like to join me, the part of the site I use is free. I'd like as many friends as possible to come alongside me in this journey. I'll be following pre-diabetic menu recommendations (as I'm predisposed to it genetically and having had it gestationally).

As much as I hate it, I guess we need a before picture. =e This one is pretty unflattering and really that's why I've chosen it.


The Year 2012


The Year 2012~

This year was truly a year of ups and downs and learning to accept things as they are. There’s a certain creativity that forms when one has to make things work in less than ideal situations. There’s also a surrender and peace that comes when we take our eyes off what other people have going for them and instead appreciate what’s being worked out in our own life. I’m still working on banishing the insecure or jealous thoughts that still surface from time to time, but after this year of in depth Bible study and more consistent communication with God, I feel better equipped to deal with my thought life. 
I usually start with the highs of the year and then go on to the lows and my resolutions, but I have such great anticipation of 2013, that I want to end on the positives from 2012.

Lows of the Year
Losses- My grandmother passed two days before last Christmas and that set the tone for 2012. During that same week, we suffered yet another miscarriage. Six short months later my Grandpa Weeks joined my grandmother in heaven. Then just before Thanksgiving, Grandpa Yeargain, my last grandparent, passed quite suddenly. Another death- and maybe the most jarring- was that of our friend Alexia. She was our age and we still don’t entirely know what happened. The reality of death and the fleetingness of life weighed on us heavily this year. I definitely suffered from bouts of depression, likely brought on by grief.

Stress- Jason’s job, things breaking in the house, travel expenses, vehicle issues, the election, finances, health issues and the busiest schedule I’ve ever had all contributed to our stress levels being elevated to an all time high. We don’t deal well with stress so it had an affect on our home life and relationships.

National tragedies- Even though Hurricane Sandy did not hit our part of Florida, it did hit the part of New Jersey that I grew up in. I felt a great sense of loss seeing footage of one of the neighborhoods we lived in just decimated. There’s just a sadness that can’t be explained when something happens to places that are hallowed in our memories.
I think our whole country was just devastated by Sandy Hook school killings. As a parent of a young child, it just shook me to the core.

Highs of the Year
St. Augustine- In January, I spent a long weekend in St. Augustine with some of my besties. After our sad Christmas, it was a refreshing and fun time.

School- Julian started K-4 this year. He loves it and is doing quite well.

Volunteering- I was really blessed to be able to work with several wonderful charities this year doing everything from helping with swanky benefits to sorting through garage sale donations. Our church also provided opportunities to help the needy in our community and I loved being a part of those.

Family time- This year Julian and I spent several weeks up in Missouri. While it was not for fun reasons, we did get time with our family members. After my grandfather’s funeral in November, my mom was able to stop in Florida before heading back to India. It was nice to have her here during the holiday season, even if it was a short visit.

Tampa Bay Etsy Crew- Almost 2 years ago I started a little team of Etsy sellers in the Tampa Bay area. This year the team really took off. We’re now almost 850 strong and our leadership has grown from 1 tired lady (me!) to 5 motivated, intelligent and fun gals . We’ve had great monthly meet ups and even a couple big events. While it’s been good for business, it’s been even better to develop friendships within the creative community.

Georgia- After event season ended and before the holiday sale season really got busy, I needed break. When Jason’s parents invited us up to Georgia for Thanksgiving, we happily accepted. Julian loves the country and we were able to really relax and just enjoy a slower pace for a bit. On our way home we spent a couple days with good friends and had a wonderful time with them.

Baby Jane- A little over a year ago, I’d been in contact with the genetics team at USF regarding the many miscarriages we’d had. After testing of the DNA of our lost babies, they’d found a chromosomal issue that was not compatible with life. Since we have a healthy boy and all the miscarriages tested were female, they told us the abnormality was in the female chromosomes and that we could only hope to have another boy. That made me a little sad, but I accepted it and we moved on and started looking at other options.
There’d been so much loss already in the year that I really didn’t think I could cope emotionally with another miscarriage. We decided to try to prevent a pregnancy until we felt God’s leading to adopt or just have one child or try again. Early October, we were shocked to find out I was pregnant. We were cautiously optimistic (and remain so!) and just thankful when every appointment was positive and the baby seemed to be thriving. Last week we had an ultrasound, and much to our surprise (and the doctor’s too), we saw that our baby is a GIRL! I can’t view that as less than miraculous. So now I’m just trying to keep healthy and we’re trying to wrap our heads around having a little girl. She’s expected a week or so earlier than her June 1st due date and we intend to name her Jane Marie. All praise be to God!

 Resolutions  
I’m actually not going to make any this year. We have a lot on our plates for 2013 without heaping lofty goals on top of it all. It’s going to be a bit of a balancing act, especially financially, but I know God will guide us and keep us like He always has. I start this year with an optimism I haven’t felt in a long time. Happy New Year!

Older Posts Home

Swidget 1.0

Followers